This blog is just about self. Lately I have been trying to evaluate myself in a new way. I have been on a search to rediscover my past and understand who I am presently. I can't describe this journey because I am confused about where to start. As many of you know, I recently wrote a poem about my past experiences and being multi-racial in a racially divided world. This, however, is only part of my experiences, part of my past, and part of who I am today.
I have really been on a search to understand my self-worth. I have been reading a lot of books on intimate relationships, expectations, and what I should be trying to do to be a better mate to Justin. It's not like I am not already or anything, but I feel like I need to think more about what I should expect from him and what I should feel about myself. I have had a very confusing childhood. All of the things expressed in the poem were very true about my experiences. Then there is also being a twin.
Being a twin has been an extremely positive experience for me. Nobody can make me laugh like Brittanie does and we have a funny relationship that is filled with a lot of very wonderful things. But there is also another dimension to being a twin; People who are not twins, cannot fully understand it. It is very difficult to understand who you are when everyone refers to you as "twin," "Reeder twins" or "twin twins." You begin to wonder, who am I without Brittanie? Am I confident? Am I beautiful? Would I be able to weather certain situations without her? How do I deal with conflict without her input? Where are the lines drawn, and what is my personality? Brittanie and I can both agree that being a twin is wonderful but it does have the effect of making you unsure of who you are at the end of the day? Identity crisis. The individuality a normal person is born with is blurred within the twin relationship--from the time you're born you are forced to dress a like, and people act like you are one person regardless of how hard you show them you are different. People very close to us, who know the vast differences, still refer to us as "twins" like we are not two different people, with different views, likes, and personalities. It is very difficult to understand who you are when there is someone else who has always been there with you. People call me "Brittanie" so often, that, on more than one occasion while introducing myself, I have had to stop myself from saying "hello, I'm britt-Brandie, nice to meet you." So this journey of self discovery will be a long one but I feel as if it is important for both of us to gain insight into who we really are. I feel like with this knowledge I will be able to appreciate life more, love deeper, and have mental clarity.
It has been very difficult for me, as a multi-racial person, as a twin, as someone's girlfriend for almost 6 years, and as a female, to define myself without these categories; to go beyond what society sees of me and understand WHO I AM. To reach a quiet place within myself and have full knowledge of what my personality is, how I react in difficult situations, and what makes me happy. I don't know because I am different depending on who I am around. That defines me, and as much as it is hard to admit, it is true. So my journey begins.
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